Inspection

I decided that I was going to help my husband out this week by taking the car in to get it inspected. I had barely stepped out of the car when one of the mechanics ran up to ask what I needed, then took the keys and directed me to the office. Once inside, another mechanic immediately cussed out the youngest of the group to hurry up and go look at my car, then spoke very politely to me. He even offered to let me have full control of the remote for the TV in the waiting area. Even though I felt way out of my element, everyone there was helpful enough to put me at ease, and they took care of everything even though I wasn’t really sure what was going on.

When I told my husband about it, he laughed and said, “Have you checked your privilege?”

Eternity

I’ve come down with a cold, and all this sneezing and sniffling is keeping me feeling nauseated because of my pregnancy. Naturally I’ve got a million errands that need to be done in the next few days. I don’t get the feeling that this is going to be an easy week. 
Yet I don’t feel overwhelmed. It seems strange, almost unreal, to finally gain a grasp on my life, to finally feel like I can handle what’s thrown at me.

I spent some time working on the talk that I’m going to give at my husband’s baptism. I want it to be meaningful, but I don’t think that I’ll be able to convey how much this means to me, to our family. Two years ago I never imagined that either of us would be here — I never even knew that this was something that we needed. Yet now I can really feel the gospel filling in the cracks and soothing away the pain from our lives, giving us a meaningful future. Giving us eternity. 

Forward

I’m going to be meeting with my bishop weekly for the next while. He also recommended counseling through LDS Family Services, with the bulk of the cost being covered by the ward. I didn’t know that was something that the church offered, since I always imagined tithing going towards generic expenses, but not so specifically to helping members like this.

My husband seemed kind of skeptical of the idea, but I figure that we should go at least once to see what LDS counselors have to offer.

It’s funny. I spent all week feeling terrified of talking to the bishop, and it turns out that I’m going to have to learn to be a lot more comfortable with it. At least the worst part is over. I’m honestly not sure if by that I meant confessing, or finally putting an end to those years I suffered because I wasn’t going to let my secret go.

I guess that the best way to think of this next step is that I’m going to be receiving some individualized lessons in the gospel, just for me.

My husband did some groaning today when everyone congratulated him on setting a baptism date, and quite a few people promised to be there. He said that he prefers to be more anonymous, but I think that he secretly enjoyed the show of support. I’m sure that he’d be disappointed if no one cared.

Empowered

A relative recently got herself ordained as a minister through one of those online churches, where all you have to do is pay a fee and they send you the certification. She said that she did it to “feel empowered as a woman.” 

I feel most empowered as a woman when my babies want to share kisses and dance, or when I see my husband’s face soften as he smiles, and I think about how this is my family, my future, that I am building every single day. They smile, laugh, and play because I am giving them my all to make them happy, and it makes me feel good to know that I have such a huge impact on the people closest to me.

So I don’t understand why my relative felt driven to give money to a church that she didn’t believe in, for a title that means absolutely nothing to her, to grasp at a sense of empowerment. It won’t fix her broken family or fill her house with laughter — it hasn’t changed her life or given her more control over her circumstances. It simply runs contrary to the religion that she grew up in.
I don’t think that people understand what it means to be empowered. It isn’t about demanding to be given what someone else has got, but in recognizing how to use the influence and abilities that you already have to shape your life and future. 

Anew

My husband has committed to a baptism date, and I’ve resolved to talk to our bishop about my dark secret on next Sunday. I’m really terrified of what will happen, but I want us both to be able to let go of the past and start anew when my husband is baptized, and he’s doing his part. I’m praying that I’ll know how to explain it, and that my bishop will understand. I’m hoping that this festering wound in my spirit will finally be cleaned and healed.

I’m terrified, but I’ve let it hurt for long enough and I need to move on. No matter what it takes.

I’m so happy that my husband decided to get baptized. I know that he’s a great man, and the way he’s transformed over the past couple of months has been wonderful (despite all my wailing). I’m excited to see how he’ll continue to grow and lead our family.

Tired

It feels like my muscles don’t want to cooperate with me, since they always start to feel tired and sore long before I’m done. It’s hard to remember all of the picky details with my previous two pregnancies, but I don’t think that they were quite this exhausting. I seem to remember having enough energy to move to a new house when I was seven months along with my last baby, and now it’s already hard to wash the dishes.

My husband said that he thinks I’ve been having a much harder time with this one. I could excuse it off as stress, but given that we were living in a car during my first pregnancy and I’m still having a harder time of it, I don’t think that works very well as an excuse.

At least my emotions have been sorted out. My world was really ending for awhile there. 

Maybe it will improve as I move farther into my second trimester. Maybe my nesting instincts will kick into overdrive and I’ll have enough energy to scrub down everything with a toothbrush. Or maybe it’s that darned summer heat.