I Will Seek the Lord

Within my heart a quiet voice whispers.
Telling me that I’ve a choice to make.
Throughout each day I choose the path that I will take.
And deep inside I know the choices I will make.

I’ll choose each day the Lord’s way as my own.

I will stand strong for what is true,
And I will do what he would do.
I’ll be a friend to those alone:
I’ll choose the Lords way as my own.
And I will live what I believe;
extend a hand to those in need.
I’ll be a light to all around me;

I will seek the Lord.

I will stand strong for what is true,
And I will do what he would do;
Every thought I will be pure.
Within my heart I will be sure that
I will hear His servant’s voice,
And let my life reflect a choice
That I will make with each new day.

I will seek the Lord.

Ev’ryday I walk His way
I seek His light; do you see it in my eyes?

I will stand strong for what is true,
And I will do what he would do.
I will share the things I know;
I’ll keep a prayer within my soul.
And I will live what I believe,
Find strength on bended knee.
I’ll be a light to all around me;

I will seek the Lord.

With in my heart a quiet voice whispers
I will seek the Lord.
I will seek the Lord.

Recovering

Last night I developed a stomach ache and thought for sure that my time to be sick had come. I ate very little for dinner and went to bed early, and the morning light has found me feeling better. I guess that it was simply exhaustion taking its toll on me.

The baby is finally eating solid foods again, and no longer crying like her body hurts. The house is a disaster after having been neglected for three days, and although I feel bad about how much time the toddler has spent in front of the TV, I’m forced to admit that it will be for one more day while I put the house back together and recover from the emotional and physical stress. It’s amazing how much worrying and fussing over the little ones can take out of a mother.

I’ve thought very seriously about finding babysitting, but with how nasty this flu was, I’m too worried about someone else managing to catch it from us.

So, I suppose it’s time to take a deep breath, light a few candles, and wash the dishes.

Scars

I had a bad habit of spilling out my emotions to my husband during the moment that I was feeling them. Although he says that he always wants me to keep him informed and blah blah blah, he has yet to respond positively to me opening up and sharing with him. For the past couple of years, I’ve been reminding myself to pull back and not say what’s on my mind, and now I’ve gotten myself to the point where I only occasionally share just enough to know that he’s still going to be a jerk about it.

Sometimes I think that he is far less recovered from the past than I am. If he silences me and chases me off, he doesn’t have to face how damaging his actions were.

All I really want is to be reassured and cheered up.

We decided to wake up earlier to spend time together in the mornings, and instead he started going to work early. We talked about spending his lunch breaks together, but he’s always too busy. He gets off work late, then spends the evening calling random people and playing video games. I recently asked if he purposefully avoided me because of the past, and he said yes.

He recently got someone a job at his company, and that person showered him with gratitude and praise afterwards. He gets lots of praise at work, since he’s their superstar. It makes sense that he’d prefer that over me. No matter what I say or how I treat him, the physical and emotional abuse have made too much of an impact; he can’t look at me without seeing the scars.

I wish he would just own up to it and get over it.

Sleep

When you have a little baby, people like to ask whether or not she’s sleeping through the night. What they don’t mention is that it doesn’t really matter, because you’ll never get uninterrupted sleep again. Nights are spent reassuring yourself that your babies are still breathing, and that they’re not too hot or too cold. You hold them when they’re sick, and comfort them when they’re scared. Sometimes, even when everything is perfect and quiet, you wake up just because you’ve become used to it.

I’ve heard that it only gets worse when they are teenagers.

So perhaps, rather than inquiring about the baby’s sleep habits, we’d be better off asking, “Have you learned how to cope and be functional while sleep deprived yet?”

The Spirit

The toddler said that she missed grandma, so I took the children to hang out at my parents house. One of the lessons in church had been on miracles, and I had spent most of the day contemplating how opening up my heart to God had helped heal my soul over the past few months — my own personal miracle that I will forever be grateful for. Anyway, I was feeling really good and light hearted, so it caught me by surprise when I arrived at my parents house and quickly lost that feeling.

Nothing bad was said, or anything else to ruin my mood. My mom was there alone, and we made small talk while my children settled in with grandma’s toys. The thought that came to my mind was that since I had been praying to have the Spirit in my home, I was feeling its influence more and more. My parents, who have decided that God and religion have no place in their lives, have a different energy in their home.

It got worse after my dad arrived home. He had been at a meeting for ex-Mormons, and smelled faintly of cigarettes when he walked in. I was quite relieved when he retreated to watching TV in a different room.

Once we were packed up in the car and on the road again, my good feelings came back to me. I thought about how I have been growing spiritually, and how emotions that were buried long before I can remember are now blossoming up to the surface and helping me become more connected with life. I wonder how one is supposed to navigate a crippled relationship with unbelieving parents.

I was looking forward to talking about this with my husband, but he ended up being too sick and cranky to discuss anything.

Illnesses

I came home from visiting my parents to discover that my husband had turned into a major grouch while I was gone. After he managed to really get me upset, he then spent the entire night throwing up. At one point, I thought that maybe I should be nice and sympathetic because he was obviously miserable, but then I remembered how mad I was at him and decided that it would be better if I kept my space.

Anyone who thinks that men can handle illnesses as well as women has clearly never met my husband.

At the same time, the baby came down with a fever. She kept spitting out the Tylenol, so I had to resort to dirty tricks to get her to swallow her medicine, which made me feel like a mean mama. It brought her fever down, and we both managed to snatch a little bit of rest. This morning her temperature is back to normal, though she’s definitely not as energetic as usual.

I’ve been praying and hoping that the toddler and I don’t catch it as well.