We don’t have any air conditioning in our house, and yesterday the house got up to 95F; the forecast is promising that we’ll be over 100F in the days to come. Since I was really miserable, my husband promised to get a window unit before work this morning at Walmart. We had a disagreement because I wanted to go to the Walmart that was close by, but he wanted to go to the one far away and surrounded by bad traffic — I told him, “It’s your time,” and we went where he wanted.

The trip ended up taking close to two hours, and once home he yelled at me about how I don’t take his work seriously enough. What did he expect? Did he want me to tell him that he was being stupid, and that we were going to the nearby Walmart no matter what? He already knew that I strongly disagreed with his choice.

Now I have an air conditioner sitting in the entry way with no chance of it being installed today, and my husband holds me accountable for his retarded choices. Great. Just great.

Breaking Benjamin – Ashes of Eden

Will the faithful be rewarded
When we come to the end
Will I miss the final warning
From the lie that I have lived
Is there anybody calling
I can see the soul within
And I am not worthy
I am not worthy of this

Are you with me after all
Why can’t I hear you
Are you with me through it all
Then why can’t I feel you
Stay with me, don’t let me go
Because there’s nothing left at all
Stay with me, don’t let me go
Until the Ashes of Eden fall

Will the darkness fall upon me
When the air is growing thin
Will the light begin to pull me
To its everlasting will
I can hear the voices haunting
There is nothing left to fear
And I am still calling
I am still calling to you

Are you with me after all
Why can’t I hear you
Are you with me through it all
Then why can’t I feel you
Stay with me, don’t let me go
Because there’s nothing left at all
Stay with me, don’t let me go
Until the Ashes of Eden fall

(Don’t let go)
Why can’t I hear you
Stay with me, don’t let me go
Because there’s nothing left at all
Stay with me, don’t let me go
Until the Ashes of Eden fall
Heaven above me, take my hand (Stay with me, don’t let me go)
Shine until there’s nothing left but you
Heaven above me, take my hand (Stay with me, don’t let me go)
Shine until there’s nothing left but you

I finally put two and two together with Jay’s behavior, and asked flat out if he had been a heavy pot user in the recent past. The answer was yes.

I’m so furious I feel sick. If I had known beforehand, I would have never allowed him to set foot in this house.

Imposition

Jay has started acting sore over the fact that we’ve been trying to teach him the simple basics of “mind your messes,” and, “paper towels are not toilet paper.” My husband and I have been very polite and respectful towards him, and we’veĀ  been very careful of making sure not to say anything critical when there’s even the slightest bit of chance that Jay can overhear it. Yes, he’s received a lot of instruction during the past few weeks, but most of that has been repeating the same thing over and over — pay attention to what you’re doing.

Anyway, it infuriates me that Jay is acting like we’re the ones imposing on him, like it’s his privilege to come into our house, eat our food, use our water and electricity, then spend all day playing video games and wasting time on the internet. The original agreement was that he was going to work on remodeling as his rent, that this wasn’t going to be a free ride, and now he’s acting all mopey and depressed because we’re expecting him to live up to that agreement.

It’s been creating a huge internal battle with me. I want to be the sort of person who’s always kind and warmhearted, but Jay is not only taking our hospitality for granted, he’s acting outright resentful of our friendly gestures.

This is my home. This is where I’m raising my babies, where I’m supposed to feel safe and protected. Instead, I have to keep up my social face and guard my conversations, only to feel like all of the energy I’m putting into being friendly is being flatly rejected.

Caaaan’t liiiive . . .

It’s no coincidence that the day my husband has to work late is the day I’m really struggling with fatigue and queasiness. Just having him near does wonders for me, and when he’s not around everything is ugh.

Yesterday I started sobbing when I couldn’t get him on the phone after he had been gone for two hours, then spent the rest of the day clinging to him after he came home.

Oh that man. He drives me so crazy, but I just couldn’t live without him.